Choose Life

I think one of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love struggle with addiction.  You watch them completely change from a person you knew and loved to a complete stranger you don't even recognize and many times there isn't a thing you can do about it.  You can talk to them until you are blue in the face, but until they decide to make the choice to fight for their own life, there isn't anything that is going to make them change.

Life is hard!  Often times these addicts grow up getting shit on from a very young age, whether it's from their peers, whether it's just a crap hand dealt to them by the wheel of fortune that life is, or even their own internal feelings of hurt and loneliness.  They turn to whatever substance it is to help fill the void, they start surrounding themselves with people that further encourage their addiction and start to justify that it is ok to continue doing what they are doing because their life sucks.  It is so hard for them to see that they are not only hurting themselves, but they are hurting those who love them the most too.  All they can do is focus so much on all of the bad things that have happened, all of the bad choices they have made and continue to make, and continue further down the path of addiction because they are at a point where they no longer care about their life and they don't think anyone cares about them either.

Very recently, I had an opportunity to tell someone who is struggling that I loved and cared for them, and while I know that probably isn't going to get this person to miraculously change overnight, I did see that it had some impact on them even if just for a moment.  Shortly thereafter I had a conversation about someone else very close to me that has been struggling for years and I heard a story about just one of the times where this person was humiliated as a child by an older kid and all I could do was cry.  I knew that this person was treated terribly by other kids and even by grown adults just because of who they were and I can only imagine the impact that must of had and maybe even the catalyst into the life they chose to lead.  The tears were not just from the sadness of how they were treated, but also some internalized guilt that I couldn't protect this person from these hurts and also guilt that I've also been practicing tough love with them and having walked away from them when maybe they needed me most.

While it was so easy to tell a childhood friend that I loved and cared for them to hopefully get them to think about the choices they are making, I wonder if I have ever been able to do that for this other person and it makes me sad to think maybe I failed them by not doing so.  I've always been quick to tell them I was proud of them during their moments of sobriety, but I question whether I ever told them that I loved and cared when they were at their lowest?  I know these feelings of guilt are my own and deep down I know that there wasn't anything I could have said or done until this person was ready to choose life for themselves.  I also know that I had to walk away because I also had to choose life for myself too and as much as I love this person, until they decided their life really is worth choosing I would have just fought an uphill battle trying to "save" someone who had no desire to be saved.  That is a very real struggle for anyone who has someone close to them fighting these battles.  It's hard to know when to be there for them and when to walk away and let them figure it out on their own.

Tonight though, I received a message from this person about how they were one step closer to being out on their own, how they got their own place and how they feel really good about doing it on their own.  Once again I told them I was so very proud of them and I have faith that this person really is ready to choose life now!