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Let Go, Let God

It's been a hot minute since I've had enough focus to sit down and write. My emotions have been all over the place, with the last few weeks bringing them all to the surface.  There is so much going on in the World and there is so much going on in my life.  I can generally take what life hands me fairly well, but this year has been one crazy ride.  It feels like forever ago that I was sitting on the beach in Florida working on self-love and healing, processing the journey I was now on.  I was focused on myself and I was finding true happiness.  I was clear on my path and what direction I was headed.

But as is life, the plans I had and the path I thought I was on came to a screeching halt.  I had made the decision to undergo a preventative  mastectomy and reconstruction and I had the surgery all lined up for April.  I had done a lot of praying and a lot of meditation to come to that decision and I was mentally prepared and ready to go.  Then the pandemic hit and everything was cancelled.  All of a sudden I was isolated from my friends, family and even from attending Church.  While I was doing my best to keep up with the services on Facebook and while it is true that you do not need to be at Church to pray and connect with God, there is certainly something calming and powerful in walking into Church on Sunday morning, singing the hymns and just praying about whatever was on your mind that particular day.  Every time I went to Church with a heavy heart, I always walked out feeling calm and at peace.  It always grounded me.

Fast forward a few months, and my surgery is now rescheduled for August 5th.  I have now had several months to dwell and second guess whether I was making the right decision.  I found I was becoming overwhelmed in all aspects of my life, whether that was related to the upcoming surgery, the crazy new world we are living in, other areas of my life that were just plain confusing and frustrating for me to understand or all of the above.  The last few weeks I have been on edge and was super anxious.  I was overthinking and over analyzing to the point that I was almost being obsessive, worrying about the outcome of multiple things in my life.  I was driving myself crazy with worry.  I was becoming emotional and even toxic to a point in how I was dealing with things. I literally felt like I was drowning at times. 

Normally, this is where Church would have been a wonderful place to go to get myself centered, but unfortunately that isn't quite an option just yet.  Instead, I really took time to connect to God.  Spending time alone praying and meditating at least once throughout the day.  Lots of tears and even a little screaming, I am finally feeling balanced.  I am well aware that I have no control over the outcome of the things that I was worrying about, and all I was doing was making myself bat shit crazy trying to do so.  All I can do is control how I respond to the hand that I am dealt in this life.  I can choose to stress and worry or I can choose to let go and let God!  So today, I am doing just that.  I am Letting Go, Letting God!  I am putting my trust in Him that everything will work out and everything will be just fine.  I can not see what path my life will take next or where my journey will lead me, but I can have a little faith and little trust that I am right where I need to be.



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