Just An Iowa Woman

It's been a hot minute since I've had enough focus to sit down and write. My emotions have been all over the place, with the last few weeks bringing them all to the surface.  There is so much going on in the World and there is so much going on in my life.  I can generally take what life hands me fairly well, but this year has been one crazy ride.  It feels like forever ago that I was sitting on the beach in Florida working on self-love and healing, processing the journey I was now on.  I was focused on myself and I was finding true happiness.  I was clear on my path and what direction I was headed. But as is life, the plans I had and the path I thought I was on came to a screeching halt.  I had made the decision to undergo a preventative  mastectomy and reconstruction and I had the surgery all lined up for April.  I had done a lot of praying and a lot of meditation to come to that decision and I was mentally prepared and ready to go.  Th...

With all of the turmoil, bad news and unknowns that surround us every day in our world, with all of the stress over money and the increased cost of every basic essential in our lives, with all of the shortages and struggles to even find the things we need and the things we took for granted as being easily accessible, with all of the worries that we face every single day, the thought of self reflection, healing and self love all seem like laughable concepts during these uncertain times, but I feel they are just as important as ever.  Even if you have to force yourself to stop and check in with yourself, it is important to do so each and every day! What are you blessed with?  Every day provides a new opportunity to take a look at your life and really see the blessings that are around you.  For me, I am blessed with a secure job that allows me to provide a home for my children and thankfully that job was not impacted by this pandemic.  I am thankful for the love I ...

Sometimes I have really big emotions that I cannot even begin to explain.  Today was one of those days! I've always felt like I was a very empathetic person and when I let my guard down I have a rush of emotions that overwhelm even me.  I am at a very peaceful place in my life and I can imagine that is why I am able to take on these emotions today.  I hear the struggles and heart aches of the people around me and while I am not particularly sad I am crying big crocodile tears just feeling the stress of those closest to me.  I tried to disconnect a little to process it but it just kept coming at me today.  Through the music, through the tears, through the warm sunshine - I felt a tug a my heart for everyone who is really sad today.  Shortest blog post to-date, because I want to get to the point and let others know that I feel your heartache, your stress, your desire to throw your hands up and say I can not take anymore today, but just know you are all very...

There are a thousand and one reasons why I hate this virus right now, but the number one reason came from a conversation with my Grandfather!  He is 91 years old.  He has lived so many years, most of them healthy, strong and vibrant.  I'd often brag about how he was still cutting his own firewood and generally the most healthy person I have ever known.  Over the the last few years he has struggled with the beginning stages of dementia and is confused more and more each day.  Tonight I received a call from him so very worried about whether his affairs were taken care of and whether he was prepared... My heart broke in a million pieces and I told him how much I love him and told him he had nothing to worry about!  I am not the most open with my feelings and often times have a hard time expressing what I really mean to the people I care about the most, but telling him how much I loved him absolutely scared me.  I promised I would be out to see him so...

In these uncertain times, I feel like an absolute failure as a mother.  I am anxious, they are anxious, and I am clueless how to handle any of it!  These are unprecedented times for all of us.  We are used to routines and as normal as I try to keep things, they reflect my every emotion times a million.  They are receptive and know that this is not a normal routine, they feel my anxiety and their stress is a reflection of my own.  I feel like a hamster in a wheel, I'm trying to explain and talk them through it but they are closing down, much like I tend to do, and we are running circles around everything.   Today we had a huge battle over drinking water - my son, who normally eats me out of house and home is refusing to eat and hardly drinking anything.  He wants to do his homework, but gets super frustrated with every aspect of it so we set it aside today.  He is super angry with me for everything I try to do and I am angry right back be...

I haven't really blogged lately.  I have had some major decisions to make and I'm not really sure where to even begin.  I blogged about being your own health advocate and taking control of your health, but the reality of it is - I feel like I'm backed into a freaking corner.  I'm researching and working through it and I am pretty confident in the journey I am taking but it wasn't easy by any means. To recap, I went in to have a lump checked out that made me extremely nervous.  That lump ended up being ok, but additional screening showed lumps that were not ok!  Great, just my luck!  Uncomfortable MRI screenings, several biopsies later, multiple appointments to get to the blunt fact that my options were a lifetime of monitoring, scary pills and a high risk of developing cancer vs. cutting the damn things off and starting over.  All while getting divorced, navigating my life as a single parent and figuring my shit out!  It's enough to make a pe...

A little over a month back, I blogged about a health scare and being your own best health advocate.  Fortunately I was able to update everyone that the initial biopsies came back cancer free.  That is still true today, however, after going forward with an additional biopsy at the recommendation of my doctor, I did get a final diagnosis of Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia (ADH), which is considered a pre-cancerous stage of abnormality.  I was very much overwhelmed with that diagnosis and kind of buried my head in the sand this past month.  My Dr. recommended that the lumps be excised (basically a lumpectomy) with the goal of making sure there was no cancer hidden within the lumps that the biopsies somehow missed.  I went ahead and scheduled the surgery but also kept my follow up appointment to give me a month to process the information and allow me an opportunity to discuss any follow up questions I had.  That appointment was yesterday and here is where I am at ...